Just Ask Phoenix

Legend of The Mighty Phoenix

Previous Letters

Phoenix,

Hello, I am presently an employee with the state of Colorado. I have been having problems with a supervisor. He has been a real pain for the past 1 1/2 years, I would say. He has tried to make me look bad in front of my co-workers, he has written me up more than once regarding my time, coming late a few minutes here and there. In the past he would let us make up time. Say for instance I would come in 5 minutes late, it was allowed to be made up sometime during the day, weather it is for lunch or 5 minutes after work. All this began when he and I had a disagreement about the way he was handling job assignments. Anyway, our facility has implemented time clocks for all employees to clock in and out. Since this was first implemented he has been the one to help set it up and is behind of how it works and knows how to make changes and such. Anyway my point is that I know he has falsified a lot of his own time, since this first came into place. I did mention it to his supervisor, and he said it would be looked into. Anyway, he still makes my job hard, there are times I feel like quitting but I will not give in that easily. Nothing has been said as to how far they looked into this issue about his time. I am afraid to go above and beyond his supervisor to see where this issue stands. There are other people within my department who know of this, but are afraid to say anything, because of the treatment they see I have put up with from this man. I would like to see some sort of justice. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. What should I do?
Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Unfortunately, situations like you outlined occur more often in the workplace than we care to think they would.

Have you tried to talk to him one on one about how you feel? If you approach this in a mature manner and don't loose your cool, sticking to the facts, things may work out with just some open communication. If he says he has no problem with you, yet you feel that he is taking things out on you, make a list of the things that concern you and take it to the next level.

If that doesn't work, check with your Human Resources Department and see if they can help you. Ask if there is a procedure for this type of office tension. Follow what they advise you to do. There may be an arbitration board where you can go for help, or they may suggest a transfer or some other solution.

It isn't healthy to hold this in for so long and it isn't wise to just talk with other co-workers about it because then the workplace takes on too much tension and becomes too toxic. Go to the source of the problem and if you don't get any results there, find the next level of contact and continue up the ladder until it is resolved.

May you discover peaceful solutions on your journey.

Phoenix

Hello Phoenix,

I have been having problems at home with my boyfriend. He is 4 yrs older than I am, and helps me with some bills but not enough, a lot of time he spends his time drinking with his buddies while I am at work. On days like this he comes home if he comes home at all acting all macho and talking down to me. All the bills including his cell phone are under my name. I have been so good to him. He has a lot because of me. When he came into this relationship he came with just his cloths, and two pairs of boots. I have tried to get him the help he needs but won't admit he has a problem. What little he does help me, does indeed help me pay some bills, but I hate his drinking, I have asked him to get some help. But he refuses, tells me I am the one with the problem. I care for him a great deal, but I can not go on putting up with his drinking attitude which is at least 2-3 times every month. I have tried kicking out of my house, but like an idiot I let him back in simply because I do need the little help he does provide me. There have been a few instances that he has come home and has become aggressive with me, and me being the woman that I am I will not let him man handle me, he is the one that lands up getting hurt all the time. I do try to avoid him but he will keep me from leaving and/or he takes my keys so I can't leave. He will hide phones and stuff like that, just so I can't call for help. I am afraid that there will come a point that I will completely lose control and kill him. Where do I turn? I want to be happy.

Who Cares

Dear Who Cares,

This man doesn't sound like he has grown up and doesn't seem to be meeting his part of the responsibilities either. There is nothing mature or manly about sitting around drinking while your girlfriend has to work and carry the load.

You have a very volatile (unstable) situation here, and I would make plans to get out before it escalates and someone does get hurt. It looks like you have tried talking and your boyfriend isn't having any part of it. It doesn't look like there is any hope to save this relationship and you need to make plans to dissolve it in the safest of manners.

First, take your name off any accounts you have opened for him or jointly, or you will be paying for them long after he's gone. Cancel that cell phone. If you don't, chances are he will really run up the bill after you've asked him to leave.

Next, either find a new place to live or get your locks changed and take out a restraining order if at all possible. If, as you indicate, you do need help paying the bills, find a reliable roommate you're positive you can trust to help you with the monthly expenses and sign a contract with that person to cover yourself legally. You need to remain strong and stand firm this time, no matter what he promises you, when you ask him to leave. Don't be alone with him ever again and be sure to have friends there and/or call the police and request they be present when he is asked to leave. Tell them that you are very fearful he will hurt you.

Make all your plans and get all your ducks in a row prior to requesting that he leave, with his cloths and two pairs of boots.

REMEMBER, you've taken him back before and he has yet to change. Let that be a lesson to you and don't back down this time. This relationship doesn't sound like a healthy one, especially when you mention he has already become aggressive towards you. The sooner you end this toxic relationship and move on with your life the better. Just do it with caution and protect yourself every step of the way. Don't loose your cool during this transition, or you will have to pay should you hurt him. Don't even go there. You should feel like a big weight has been lifted off your shoulders when you are rid of supporting this guy. This is not a loving relationship, yet have no fear, loving relationships do exist. Don't settle for less than the best!!!! You deserve it.

I wish you strength on your journey.

Phoenix

Dear Phoenix,

I am going through a divorce and I'm having a really big problem. While my husband and I were married, we had our home on land owned by my family. Last July I left because I wasn't happy and my husband and I were not getting along. I found out that he had slept with my best friend and I couldn't deal with this so I left. Now he has placed restraining orders on me to keep me from going to the house, which is on my families land. I wanted to leave on good terms, yet found out that he was taking his girlfriends to my house. He thinks that just because I left he can do whatever he wants. I feel he should go and make a life elsewhere. I don't know what to do. My family, parents and siblings live on that land too, yet if I want to go over there I need a sheriff to go with me. My family lets him continue to stay there. What do you think I should do?

Out on a limb.

Dear Out on a limb,

Possession is 9/10ths of the law. I would first seek expert legal advice. I realize your frustration in not being able to live in your home and not having strong family backing you up, yet I feel you should remain as calm as possible in dealing with this highly volatile situation. If you allow your emotions to get the better of you at this point, you will appear to be the "bad guy" or irrational one.

You may want to arrange a "family meeting". Remain calm and keep your emotions in check during this meeting. Make a list, in advance, of the topics you want to cover with family members. Let your family know how much it means to you to live there and remain part of the family unit. Ask for their support. By working with your family and your attorney, you may realize success and eventually be able to move back into your home.

Inner work during periods of high stress such as this will only make you a stronger person. You need to be aware of the fact that you may not win and will then need to release your efforts as well as negative emotions. If things do not work out in your favor, learn your lessons from the experience so you will not repeat them. Rebuild your self-esteem and establish a new life for yourself that leads you in a more positive direction. There is a time to fight for what you feel is right, yet a time to realize it isn't worth what you are putting yourself through. Practice surrender. Let go of all the negative emotions of this situation. Release the anger, frustration and any desire for retaliation and discover the pride of becoming a stronger person. After all, the negative feelings haven't gotten you what you want, so why not try a more positive approach. You may have given your ex-husband exactly what he wanted and he was able to obtain a restraining order because you played his game.

You will be the winner in this situation if you take control of your life, hold your head up high and move on. Seek your own happiness and choose a more positive, productive path for yourself. You hold the power to make your life a grand success!

Phoenix